@tiemoose

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

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@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

@Tommassh

*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.

@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@ClickBaite

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

@gojarbe

me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@FilthyRichmond

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.