[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”