[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
🤣dope
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.