Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.