[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.