Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know
[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
GENE: hi kev
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
cat: [running around chasing a laser]
dog sniper: god damn it
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”