You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
You Might Also Like
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Listen, I’ve been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don’t hear me complaining. No one does
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.