@david8hughes

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

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@AndyAsAdjective

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@RelatableQuote

She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, we are both very unprepared for this cold weather

@VibesBummer

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

@NateMorrising

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

@TheAlexNevil

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

@jackiembouvier

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.