*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You Might Also Like
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Super Hand Dog Face
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not