I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
“Jesus is here”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”
My oldest bra can smoke now.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
He shouldn’t have died so young, but he also shouldn’t have cut the grass at 7:30 am on a Sunday. (I’m writing my neighbors obituary)
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample