*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.