@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

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@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@novicefather

Friends don’t let friends have friends. Be a friend, don’t be a friend.

@HomeWithPeanut

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

@Chonfucius

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@3sunzzz

You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.

@ohpeetie

Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

@jkstills

*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*

@Fred_Delicious

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

@Prof_BrianCocks

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

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