I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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Friends don’t let friends have friends. Be a friend, don’t be a friend.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?
Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.
Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”
Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”
*takes call from mom*
*puts mom on speaker*
*cleans entire house*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”