me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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[realtor school, day 1]
INSTRUCTOR: are you able to walk through a house while describing things that everyone can already see?
INSTRUCTOR: *hands out diplomas*
Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
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Are you sure?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend