STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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Sounds like a bargain
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Monday Lisa
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.