Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?