@Kyle_Lippert

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

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@jamdugg

Confusing Math:

Dogs = Awesome
Chocolate = Awesome
Dogs + Chocolate = Not Awesome

@DaveOshry

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

@PaperWash

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

@garrettbarry70

If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.

@BoomBoomBetty

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–

ME: nope 67

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@realHamOnWry

I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.