“DAAAAAAAD!! LOKI KEEPS STEALING MY THUNDER!!”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Dogs = Awesome
Chocolate = Awesome
Dogs + Chocolate = Not Awesome
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets
PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–
ME: nope 67
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.