Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Hilarious Architecture Fails
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I’ll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.