*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?
Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.