Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My safe word is Worcestershire