@Kyle_Lippert

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

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@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

@PleaseBeGneiss

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

@vineyille

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

@mattkoff

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

@bylinetd

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.