Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.


I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes


Him: That’s a little dramatic.



what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow


My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.


Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.


I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.


“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-sounds wealthy


Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.