People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Him: That’s a little dramatic.
Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
7: You guys are being weird again.