@beefman138

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

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@GotBadTouched

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

@SaltyCorpse

Him: That’s a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

@120yearz

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

@sugarwits

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

@PearlsFromMyrna

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

@chellemybell22

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

@molly7anne

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

@OurMarketingGuy

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

@afiercemind

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.