[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Doesn’t seem very hygienic.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.