Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
You Might Also Like
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Monday?
No. Next question.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!