@dmc1138

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

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@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@BGH70

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

@randypaint

car salesman: this one is self-driving

me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself

car salesman: that’s not-

me: do u have any that come with friends

@drhappyknuckles

Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

@GoodZiIIa

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.

@Boobzillaz

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.