Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.