There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
car salesman: this one is self-driving
me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself
car salesman: that’s not-
me: do u have any that come with friends
Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,
Patient: My name’s not Ted.
Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]