Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Perfection.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
LA today:
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.