@thatUPSdude

Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.

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@GingerCaat

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

@JKNenagh

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

@BrettDruck

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

@EllenPallas

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

@platinum2000

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

@LeonEarlgrey

They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.