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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
#Thanos #MondayMood
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this