Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.

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Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming


Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”


What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.


Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.


INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then


“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.


They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.