“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”

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I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.


If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.


“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.


posting a sc story for 1 specific person to see is the modern day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that daisy attends


*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself


It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.


When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.


(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!


This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.