I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
This took me a second..
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My time has come.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.