ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.