@JumbledButts

STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”

ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”

S: “No we watch stars.”

M: “Wars or Trek?”

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@onelongbender

Dave is coming over.

“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”

[loud thud on the roof]

BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

@offbeatoliv

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

@thesulk

Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.

@BigJDubz

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

@vaginadental

Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell

Me: weird. Why?

Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning

Me: haha stupid animals

Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days

Me: nice

@GerryDuggan

Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.