I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )