Dave is coming over.
“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”
[loud thud on the roof]
BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
STEVE: “Wanna go star gazing tonight?”
ME: “What is that? Like a sci fi movie?”
S: “No we watch stars.”
M: “Wars or Trek?”
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!
– how I threaten my kids
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell
Me: weird. Why?
Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning
Me: haha stupid animals
Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days
Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes