SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
new career option?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
why no one uses midhusbands
peak technology
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.