STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.