Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.