[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
You Might Also Like
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
got so much cardio in today
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?