@SaraMansford

Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election

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@blade_funner

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@juliussharpe

I like to pretend I’m on “American Idol” by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.

@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

@Mr_goose007

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

@MorganJ7

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

@KenJennings

If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan’s national carrier is called “Royal Jordanian Airways” instead of “Air Jordan”