Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?