@BlindChow

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

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@WilliamRodgers

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

@MatCro

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

@randypaint

brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles

@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

@causticbob

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

@AndrewChamings

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

@whatmaddness

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

@Bratterina

*makes eye contact
*slowly pulls a banana out my bag
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*breaks eye contact
*looks in my bag if there’s any more banana’s.
*makes eye contact again
*slowly pulls out another banana