We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Life is a suicide mission.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”