[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
You better watch out
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.