I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.