Stick it to the man
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My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Oh the world we live in…
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing