Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…