*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!