Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.