Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.