ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.