@robertwmaxwell

[Sticks note to your door with a knife]

I had a really nice time last night

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@sweetg35

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

@AndrewNadeau0

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

@Shwetangles

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

@BreachingBad

She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.

@Thedudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

@robdelaney

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@Marlebean

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.