COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.