Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
The struggle is real
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
For the orator and chef in all of us
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no