Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I created you as mosquito food.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said