*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Think I pulled my liver
*pokes sex life with a stick
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Sex so good you see dead people.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Only a mother’s love …
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else