Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
how was your vacation
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.