Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Should I call tech support or pray or what

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.