I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
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🤣🤣🤣
concern
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
why isn’t he texting back
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.