My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.