@dorsalstream

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

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@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@TheWidowmakerX

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money

@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

@madeleinedoux

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

@KalvinMacleod

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.