Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes
LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.
Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.