Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
sir, my pâté if you please
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Shower sex be like:
Breakfast for Stoners:
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift