@derekblackmon

Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head

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@MommaUnfiltered

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

@_SingleBabyMama

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

@herprettybones

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@thatUPSdude

Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.