ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
A classic…
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Canada has crack?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
A collection of me turning into random objects.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.