Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist