@MoneypennyNaked

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

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@TweetsByKaylee

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye ๐Ÿ™‚

@bridger_w

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

@lloydrang

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

@murrman5

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

@SkippyMcGizzard

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@Ivsy01

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

@realHamOnWry

73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.