mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.