Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I already tried new things thanks.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
This bar smells like my childhood.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.