Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.