Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.


Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.


[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”


[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?


(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…


I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house


How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”


I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.


They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.