@WinningByARose

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

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@NickBossRoss

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.

@MyDadIsOld

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

@Audenary

(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…

@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.