@SoVeryBritish

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

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@Nahdude83

Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

@KizerBillhelm

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

@AristotlesNZ

Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.

@TheToddWilliams

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@TheAndrewNadeau

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

@AmishPornStar1

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@peytnhaag

me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast