Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG