Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.